Humour for weekend !

1. The US has made a new weapon that destroys people but keeps the building standing,. Its called the stock market . . . . . !

2. Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are?? Wall Street is now being called Wal Mart Street . . . . . !

3. The difference between a pigeon and a London investment banker. The pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW . . . . . !

4. What's the difference between a guy who lost everything in Las Vegas and an investment banker? A tie . . . . . !

5. The problem with investment bank balance sheet is that on the left side nothing's right and on the right side nothing's left . . . . . !

6. I want to warn people from Nigeria who might be watching our show, if you get any emails from Washington asking for money, it's a scam. Don't fall for it . . . . . !

7. Bush was asked about the credit crunch. He said it was his favourite candy bar . . . . . !

8. The rescue bill was about 450 pages. President Bush's copy is even thicker. They had to include pictures . . . . . !

9. President Bush's response was to meet some small business owners in San Antonio last week. The small business owners are General Motors, General Electric and Century 21 . . . . . !

10. What worries me most about the credit crunch, is that if one of my cheques is returned stamped 'insufficient funds'. I won't know whether that refers to mine or the bank's . . . . . !

What is Recession ?

This story is about a man who once upon a time was selling Hotdogs by the roadside. He was illiterate, so he never read newspapers. He was hard of hearing, so he never listened to the radio. His eyes were weak, so he never watched television. But enthusiastically, he sold lots of hotdogs.

He was smart enough to offer some attractive schemes to increase his sales. His sales and profit went up. He ordered more a more raw material and buns and sold more. He recruited more supporting staff to serve more customers. He started offering home deliveries. Eventually he got himself a bigger and better stove. As his business was growing, the son, who had recently graduated from college, joined his father.

Then something strange happened.

The son asked, "Dad, aren't you aware of the great recession that is coming our way?" The father replied, "No, but tell me about it." The son said, "The international situation is terrible. The domestic situation is even worse. We should be prepared for the coming bad times."

The man thought that since his son had been to college, read the papers, listened to the radio and watched TV. He ought to know and his advice should not be taken lightly. So the next day onwards, the father cut down the his raw material order and buns, took down the colorful signboard, removed all the special schemes he was offering to the customers and was no longer as enthusiastic. He reduced his staff strength by giving layoffs. Very soon, fewer and fewer people bothered to stop at his Hotdog stand. And his sales started coming down rapidly and so did the profit. The father said to his son, "Son, you were right". "We are in the middle of a recession and crisis. I am glad you warned me ahead of time."

Moral of the Story: It's all in your MIND! And we actually FUEL this recession much more than we think ..... !

Important ! Must read ...

Dear Friends,

A few weeks ago, in a movie theatre, a person felt something poking from her seat. When she got up to see what it was, she found a needle sticking out of the seat with a note attached saying :

"You have just been infected by HIV".

The Disease Control Center (in Paris) reports many similar events in many other cities recently. All tested needles were HIV Positive.

The Center also reports that needles have been found in cash dispensers at public banking machines. We ask everyone to use extreme caution when faced with this kind of situation. All public chairs/seats should be inspected with vigilance and caution before use. A careful visual inspection should be enough. In addition, they ask that each of you pass this message along to all members of your family and your friends of the potential danger.

Recently, one doctor has narrated a somewhat similar instance that happened to one of his patients at one cinema in Delhi ... A young girl, engaged and about to be married in a couple of months, was pricked while the movie was going on. The tag with the needle had the message :

"Welcome to the World of HIV family".

Though the doctors told her family that it takes about 6 months before the virus grows strong enough to start damaging the system and a healthy victim could survive about 5-6 years, the girl died in 4 months, perhaps more because of the 'Shock thought'.

We all have to be careful at public places, rest God help ! Jush think about saving a life by forwarding this message. Please, take a few seconds of your time to pass along.

Warren Buffet’s advice for 2009

We begin this New Year with dampened enthusiasm and dented optimism. Our happiness is diluted and our peace is threatened by the financial illness that has infected our families, organizations and nations. Everyone is desperate to find a remedy that will cure their financial illness and help them recover their financial health. They expect the financial experts to provide them with remedies, forgetting the fact that it is these experts who created this financial mess.

Every new year, I adopt a couple of old maxims as my beacons to guide my future. This self-prescribed therapy has ensured that with each passing year, I grow wiser and not older. This year, I invite you to tap into the financial wisdom of our elders along with me, and become financially wiser.

* Hard work: All hard work bring a profit, but mere talk leads only to poverty.

* Laziness: A sleeping lobster is carried away by the water current.

* Earnings: Never depend on a single source of income. [At least make your Investments get you second earning]

* Spending: If you buy things you don't need, you'll soon sell things you need.

* Savings: Don't save what is left after spending; Spend what is left after saving.

* Borrowings: The borrower becomes the lender's slave.

* Accounting: It's no use carrying an umbrella, if your shoes are leaking.

* Auditing: Beware of little expenses; A small leak can sink a large ship.

* Risk-taking: Never test the depth of the river with both feet. [Have an alternate plan ready]

* Investment: Don't put all your eggs in one basket.

I'm certain that those who have already been practicing these principles remain financially healthy. I'm equally confident thatthose who resolve to start practicing these principles will quickly regain their financial health.

Let us become wiser and lead a happy, healthy, prosperous and peaceful life.

Did You Know ?

• That 18% of greenhouse emissions come from livestock production: 4% more than all modes of transport put together.
  
• That in Spain and Italy dairy cows at the end of their working life are dragged on to trucks to take them to slaughter houses. These poor creatures cannot get up or walk because of the horrors they suffer in producing high milk yields.
  
• That sale of meat and milk from cloned animals could soon become a reality in the US. Egg cells are taken from ‘donor’ female animals such as pigs, goats and sheep. After the cloned foetuses are created they are implanted into ‘surrogate’ mothers. Human beings - where will they stop?
  
• That around 150,000 dairy calves are shot at birth every year. Another 100,000 are exported to continental veal farms. GO VEGAN!
  
• That a typical glass of milk contains 35 hormones and 11 growth factors. This is due to modern dairy farm methods. Two thirds of retail milk in the UK is taken from pregnant cows when levels of hormones and growth factors are sky high.
  
• That researchers from Harvard Medical School found that women who ate more than one and a half servings of meat a day, equivalent of a burger and a sausage, almost doubled their risk of breast cancer.
  
• That scientists writing in the journal, ‘Nutrition Reviews’ said that prostate cancer patients who ate the most fruit, vegetables and pulses (peas, beans, lentils) and the least meat and dairy products lived longer.
  
• That some researchers suggest that prostate cancer should be considered a ‘nutritional disease’. Diets high in heterocyclic amines (abundantly found in grilled boiled meats), saturated fats, milk and eggs increase the chances of prostate cancer.
  
• That 33% of the world’s grains production is fed to animals.
  
• That livestock farming releases 37% of global methane which is 23 times as warming as CO2
  
• That animal slurry and wastes also release large amounts of ammonia which contributes to acid rain which kills trees. It also releases nitrous oxide which has 296 times the global warming potential of CO2.
  
• That around 1.5 million American children aged 8-18 are vegetarian
  
• That the World Cancer Research Fund recommends that we should eat, ‘ mostly foods of plant origin’ Red meat is a ‘probable’ cause of some cancers, while the link with colorectal cancer is ‘convincing ’.
  
• That according to one study high dairy intake in childhood considerably increased the risk of bowel cancer in adulthood.
  
• That according to one national paper ‘ oily fish’ could increase the risk of type 2 diabetes because of the lethal chemicals it contains like PCBS, DDT, mercury, dioxins and flame retardants.
  
• That every day 2 million chickens and 73,000 pigs, cattle and sheep are slaughtered in the UK.
  
• That male chicks are useless to the egg industry and so around 30 million of them are gassed or tossed alive in giant industrial shredders. Any one for an omelette?

Around a billion live animals are transported every week to slaughter houses, many to other countries. Here are some heart wrenching examples:

Pigs: They are transported from Canada to Hawaii. Crammed together in the dark they do a 4,500 mile journey to Hawaii lasting 9 days. They suffer from exhaustion, hunger and vomiting.

Cattle: Zebu cattle endure a 17 day journey from Brazil to Lebanon. Some of the 2,500 animals on board die on the way from heat stroke or respiratory disease.The rest are killed on arrival.

Sheep: Australia sends 4 million live sheep every year to the Middle East. The gruesome journey takes 32 days. Many die of suffocation on the way. Ironically Australia is paying a heavy price for rearing sheep. Deserts are spreading due to over grazing. Water shortage is becoming a serious issue. The ecological damage to the country and failing rains are a sign that Australia is paying a far greater price than what it gains from exporting sheep.

Goats: 15,000 goats a week are packed into a truck for the 2,500 mile journey from Namibia to South Africa. They have nothing to eat or drink in temperatures exceeding 40c.

Horses: They are transported from Spain to Italy on a 46 hour journey.

Please turn vegetarian at the earliest and pass it on to everyone who is unaware of the above facts and help them in turning vegetarian too . . .

Our Tax Structure ! ! !

1) Qus. : What are you doing?

Ans. : Business.

Tax : PAY PROFESSIONAL TAX!

2) Qus. : What are you doing in Business?

Ans. : Selling the Goods.

Tax : PAY SALES TAX!!

3) Qus. : From where are you getting Goods?

Ans. : From other State/Abroad

Tax : PAY CENTRAL SALES TAX, CUSTOM DUTY & OCTROI!

4) Qus. : What are you getting in Selling Goods?

Ans. : Profit.

Tax : PAY INCOME TAX!

5) Qus. : How do you distribute profit ?

Ans : By way of dividend

Tax : PAY DIVIDEND DISTRIBUTION TAX

6) Qus. : Where you Manufacturing the Goods?

Ans. : Factory.

Tax : PAY EXCISE DUTY!

7) Qus. : Do you have Office / Warehouse/ Factory?

Ans. : Yes

Tax : PAY MUNICIPAL & FIRE TAX!

8) Qus. : Do you have Staff?

Ans. : Yes

Tax : PAY STAFF PROFESSIONAL TAX!

9) Qus. : Doing business in Millions?

Ans. : Yes

Tax : PAY TURNOVER TAX!

Ans : No

Tax : Then pay Minimum Alternate Tax

10) Qus. : Are you taking out over 25,000 Cash from Bank?

Ans. : Yes, for Salary.

Tax : PAY CASH HANDLING TAX!

11) Qus.: Where are you taking your client for Lunch & Dinner?

Ans. : Hotel

Tax : PAY FOOD & ENTERTAINMENT TAX!

12) Qus.: Are you going Out of Station for Business?

Ans. : Yes

Tax : PAY FRINGE BENEFIT TAX!

13) Qus.: Have you taken or given any Service/s?

Ans. : Yes

Tax : PAY SERVICE TAX!

14) Qus.: How come you got such a Big Amount?

Ans. : Gift on birthday.

Tax : PAY GIFT TAX!

15) Qus.: Do you have any Wealth?

Ans. : Yes

Tax : PAY WEALTH TAX!

16) Qus.: To reduce Tension, for entertainment, where are you going?

Ans. : Cinema or Resort.

Tax : PAY ENTERTAINMENT TAX!

17) Qus.: Have you purchased House?

Ans. : Yes

Tax : PAY STAMP DUTY & REGISTRATION FEE !

18) Qus.: How you Travel?

Ans. : Bus

Tax : PAY SURCHARGE!

19) Qus.: Any Additional Tax?

Ans. : Yes

Tax : PAY EDUCATIONAL, ADDITIONAL EDUCATIONAL & SURCHARGE ON ALL THE CENTRAL GOVT.'s TAX !!!

20) Qus.: Delayed any time Paying Any Tax?

Ans. : Yes

Tax : PAY INTEREST & PENALTY!

21) INDIAN :: can i die now??

Ans :: wait we are about to launch the funeral tax!!!

Gates' Rules

Dear Friends,

Please go through the rules defined by one of the most successful persons of our times. These rules show us the rules we should learn early in our life, for being able to fight the real life situations better . . . . .

Gates' Rules

Bill Gates recently (about a month back) gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.

Rule 1 : Life is not fair - get used to it!

Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.

Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.

Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity.

Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.

Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.